So, I choose blogging as my one thing to do everyday for the month of feb.... And I always look forward to it, but when it comes time to actually blog.
Why? What? Well I know what. But why am I wanting to do it? To create my story I can go and look back on? An online journal? That really at any point the Internet could actually crash and all this information would be lost. Think about it, no really think about it. Would you remember everything you wrote down if it was wiped away? Your online scrapbook? I love holding things, holding memories. And reliving them. And really it boggles all down to time.
there are things I don't want to write for all to see.... But writing it down on paper and sending it into the Universe.....isn't it the same? It's real if someone reads it or not. But yet, jobs look at social media now. To see if you slander or if you are someone they would like to hire.
I don't understand and crazy to think about.
When really I don't have time to think about, well I do, but then I won't have time to sleep.
Here we go, time again. For example. Tuesday's I get to work at one job, I got off early to go and work out ran errors then helped make diner and cleaned up by that time it was 7:30 pm. I was sooooo tired. Everything I had planned to do and wanted to do, went out the window. I feel asleep on the couch. I was so tired I had no motivation to do what I actually really wanted to do. Like December daily, or One little word, or my scrapbook or play with my cats and dog, or just paint. Listen to music, figure out my computer program. I mean I have so many things I want to do. TONS!!!!
Time...
I need like two years off, 1 year to rest and the other to get everything done. I get it, by the time you get older your so tired because you've had to work your ass off just to have a few nice things.
So.... We are supposed to pick something we could do everyday for a whole month.
First thing I thought that I could do easily.... Is take a picture everyday. Sure I can snap something everyday.
But what I really want to do is blog.
Things to think about :
Time- do I really have the time to blog, I mean besides just posting a few words. I mean it's not like I don't have anything to blog about because I actually do. 1 the wedding. 2- dance- 3- one little word . Oh and so many others.
I wanted to document so much about my life but.... Really, for what?
Domestic violence. That is a reason why I have changed in over sharing. I am determined to get that part of me back. I used to not be afraid to just share anything. But.... I'll tell you more about that another day. So for now I want to blog once a day and so I'm going to try it.
I got really excited when I found out about this months prompt. It had to do with music.
i love music. I'm a dancer, so I figured yeah I got this one in the bag.
Well - SO - we are to find songs that we love that somehow relate to our word.
My word is courage.
If you know me. Well, I choreograph to sad heart wrenching songs. they speak to me. I don't really like happy songs. And so to try and find a song about courage or even relate to it. um, yeah not going to happen. I have been researching for the whole month so far..... everything I put into google to read the lyrics, thinking, oh yeah I love this song, This is going to be great.
Is about some heart broken person, of not being able to hang out. And yes I have changed artist. I mean its crazy.
one student this year asked me, Jen why is all your music so sad. And I had to think to myself, its not sad at all. Yeah, well until I started to really listen to the songs. Yes they actually all are. even the more upbeat ones. They are sad heart breaking songs.
So, in doing this prompt. Which I now am hating. only because my word is COURAGE. COURAGE of all things. And well, I have found a few songs, that say give me some kind of courage to get over the heart break. but not really.
On thing that was suggested was to login in to Spotify, which I have and love that music streaming file. I enter the word courage, and do you know what pops up for music.
ALL LYRICLESS SONGS! the first 10 have no lyrics at all. And I thinking. Is this a sign. I mean really is it? because now I'm thinking I chose the wrong word. But really its the right word for me.
I don't think I've done enough with my word this year. at all. I have been actually filled with Fear. BUT alot of things are changing. My life is forcing me to change really.
I don't really like it. because I don't like change. but then again, I do. I'm so weird.
But So, I got a few songs. The lyrics aren't that encouraging. But she did say to dissect the music that you have been listening to over and over again. so I used those.
See below:
Swimming - Florence and the Machine
I tired to remember the chorus
I can't remember the verse
cause that song that sent me swimming
is now the life jacket that burst
Living for Love - Madonna Took me to heave and let me fall down now that its over I'm gonna carry on lifted me up and watched me stumble After the heartache I'm gonna carry on
Silent all these years - Tori Amos
WEll I love the way we communicate
your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
lets hear what you think of me now
but baby don't look up
the sky is falling
Letters from the sky - Civil Twilight
one of these days the sky' gonna break
and everything will escape and I'll know
once of these days the mountains
are gonna fall in the sea and they'll know
Believe - Mumford & Sons
You may call it in this evening
but you've only lost the night
preset all your pretty feelings
may they comfort you tonight
and i'm climbing over something
and I'm running through these walls
Silver and gold - Joanna Erdos
So I must find another way
to get through the month. the week. or the day
yes I will find the power
to live in the moment
at least in the hour
or the power will find me oh ee.
Oats in the water- Ben Howard
Go your way,
I'll take the long way round,
I'll dins my own way down
as I should
Higher love - Steve Winwood
Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
facing our fear and standing out there alone
a yearning and its real to me
End of All days - 30 seconds to mars
The desert is calling
the emptiness of space
the hunger of a lion
is written on your face
a manic's new love song
destruction is his game
i need a new direction
cause I have lost my way
Anticipate - Ani DiFranco Cause someone you don't know is someone you don't know get a firm girp girl before you let go for every hand extended another lies in wait keep your eye on that one anticipate
Well - This last one- Is really the only one that is really positive. So for now these are them. BUT I'm going to continue to really keep looking. lol
I know my creative process and what i connect too, I can't really change. It is just what it is. One of my favorite songs last year. Black Flies by Ben Howard. I still love that song. But really? there is nothing that talk about courage there. Unless I'm not really seeing, or going into depth enough. I don't know. What do you think?
Black Flies"
Black flies on the windowsill That we are That we are That we are to know Winter stole summer's thrill And the river's cracked and cold
See the sky is no man's land A darkened plume to stay Hope here needs a humble hand Not a fox found in your place
And no man is an island, oh this I know But can't you see, oh? Maybe you were the ocean, when I was just a stone
Black flies on the windowsill That we are That we are That we are to hold Comfort came against my will And every story must grow old
Still I'll be a traveler A gypsy's reins to face But the road is wearier With that fool found in your place
And no man is an island, oh this I know But can't you see, oh? Maybe you were the ocean, when I was just a stone [x2]
So here we are...
And I don't wanna beg your pardon And I don't wanna ask you why But if I was to go my own way Would I have to pass you by?
I got my word the other day,. Made me feel so good.
BUT -
my word is challenging me right now. I need the courage to actually really change. I'm tired of having two jobs, i'm not tired of the money that comes in. But whats the point of having money you can't really spend or have time to yourself or spend time with your loved ones.
I'm at a loss.
ON ANOTHER NOTE -
My college Professor died the other day.
Ron Tossone.
He was amazing. I loved his energy I loved his classes. I miss his warm up. I miss him. I have always wanted to make it back to Point Park to say hello. my favorite class was at 1:30 Tuesday through Friday in room 708. I loved that studio, when it got light, it was so nice. We always did jazz runs, and old school jazz. Really its Luigi Jazz. I was raised on this style of dance. LOVED it! It needs to come back actually. I'm ready for power house Jazz routines again.
my lesson learned, don't wait for the prefect moment to do something. just do it. do it now or the time will be to late.
This is so scary to me. I am going through this right now as we speak. I want to quit one of my jobs, obviously not dance, but I can't afford it. I really can't not if we are going to buy a house soon. but something has to give. something does. I'm so tired. I'm all over the place. I'm trying. I'm happy, but not happy because I have projects I want to do, and I honestly don't have time to do them, unless I only get about 3 hours of sleep.
COURAGE. My word this year is courage. I am still following with Ali Edwards class. I have saved all the prompts from the pervious years and I do the ones I really like oever and over again. This year another student....had us all sign up with out words and address to recieve a pen pal. Pen pal...back before you had emails and internet, and you had so much to say in a written letter. I love getting mail. i love it so much. i have always loved this. Emails, and texts are so impersonible. But social media is how people respond to everhthing. For instanvce, I have one parent who likes to email me, facebook me and text me all the same question to make sure I get the message. Which I can understand. Even though something is sent via text. we get the message most of the time, and most of the time not. So you never really know if texting really works. So I applaud the effort yet then I get pissy about it. lol I can never win with my emotions sometimes. I can get off subject. Back to my word. COURAGE. My life has always been busy. ALWAYS. I've always had two jobs, I've always worked days and then danced/ taught at night. I never have time to do things I really want to do. Having two jobs right now, office managing and teaching at night. I really don't even have time to try and relax when I get home to fall a sleep before midnight and then up at 6:30..shhhh I get up at 7. SO....why courage. fear. why not fearless...because I am fearless in so many aspects of my life. I need the courage to back up the fearless choices I make. I'm affriad to quit one of my jobs. I'm affriad to quit teaching because there isn't alot of dance opps here for people my age. I'm old for a dancer. lol. I'm affriad to quit my day job. I dont make enough money teaching, and that job doesn't have a 401 or health insurance. Choices I have to make. but i really need to courage to take the first step. I need that courage to make a choice and stick with it, knowing if might not be the right choice but that I actually took a first step which I'm so scared of doing so. Me and my partner, are going to buy a house in the near future. so do I keep my crazy schedule because that will mean I will have an even bigger bill and responsibility to have. the thing is I make the same at both jobs. so cutting one out, will cut what i make a year in HALF!!!! HALF!!!!! so, really no more fun things. I had one job to pay the bills and the other job to play with and to really save for the future. so do I really want to cut that. NO of course I don't want too. but can I keep going 65 hours a week 6 days a week? I just started scrap booking a trip from almost two years ago...I cry in my car because I can't art journal because Sundays are chore and catch up on dance stuff days or I just end up sitting on the couch knowing I dont' have to do anything at all. I know I have made a choice of propbably not going to teach on saturdays anymore. It's to much for me, but solos will happen even sat for the first three months of school. uggg....I sometimes ask my self why did dance choose me? I didn't choose it, it choose me, I can't live without it. but sometimes I just want to quit and live not so stressful and just work a regular job. Sucks i think that way. but i'm tired. so....COURAGE to make a choice and to have courage to stick with it.
I have been very behind. Just putting in march in my One Little Word Journal.
Below is a page I did about what I was afraid of right now, so that I could over come it. Not to fun to do this at all. I loved making this page.... It speaks for itself but the next page (which I'm not showing anyone) is what was difficult to put down In words.
It is hard admitting what your afraid of. Because then you either have to do down thing about it or ignore it.
Also, I spelled afraid wrong. I am a horrible speller. I'm not joking like so bad I sometimes think spell check is wrong lol.
Now, I was terrified to make this vision board.
I didn't know what was going to show up on my board, what if it was to dark.
I even researched different way to do this board.
Turns out, I don't know what I was scared of. It's me right now. It's really simple to make a vision board.
I do feel as though I could keep adding to it, I think I will for the rest of the year. I'm exciting to have this out and looking at it often.
This month- spirit- I feel as if I need to find my spirit all over again.
I have to let go of something. And it's not going to be an easy task.
Even though my task as you would say is body for feb, let me tell you I didn't lose the 20 lbs I aimed for. But I did get these weird stress blisters which I later found out that it was from sleeping with my hearing pad and it was burning me.
But I do have very sensitive skin. And I'm dealing with that.
