Kai - my first dog

This is Kai. Malakai Doogan.  We have had him for almost a year in July.

He is my first dog. The best dog. the one you want to stay with you forever.

He is so funny, he loves veggies. He eats two pieces of sweet potatoes every morning for his breakfast.

He comes running when you are chopping zucchinis. He loves zucchinis. I don't understand why he does but he does.

He love me. I've never had a dog really love me. He checks on me, does Gongyo, with me every morning. He greets me when I get home. And yes I even let him give me slobbery kisses. I don't like dog kisses I'm a kitty kissing person. Love those rough tongues. But for him, I let Kai show me love.

When we got him from the Human society, well first Anetra fell right in love with him, and because she loved him, I knew this would be my first adventure as a new dog owner. Yes I was a little disappointed that we didn't get him as a puppy. But after the 2nd night with him, it was like he was always ours and he was always there.

He has site issues. He was born with it. depth perception is not his thing. He runs into everything and trips up and down stairs, but this dog loves life.

He has so many goofy faces. we die laughing at him all the time. He is the best.

He has hip displacia. in both hips. the advise we got from two different vets, we got three options, was to put him down as soon as possible. (WTF)

How could you put an animal down that loves life so much, Even when he is in pain. How can you do that? What because we are supposed to be the responsible ones to have them not live in pain.

He came to us for a reason, I believe anyone would have gave him back or put him down right away because of his site, and then to find out he needs a $12,000.00 surgery to walk. well people think he is just a dog. Just let go. but when you think you aren't going to have kids, and your four legged animals are your kids, What would you do?

He is getting worse. He doesn't eat much, we have him in swimming lessons to gain muscle to help with his hips. He enjoys outside the most. He sleeps a lot. He adjusts when he sits a a lot.

Think about things, not knowing what to do. He is still full of life. I think we should get wheelies for him. I think that he could do it. I think he would be happy.

But i honestly don't know what i'm talking about. I just don't understand how you can put a life down, when they are inlove with life.

PLUS he has a new friend. MOX. they love each other. Mox loves Kai. they everything together. except for peeing. lol. When Kai goes outside Mox wants to go outside.


Mox is going to miss him. they always look for each other. we always tell kai, go find your kitty. And he does.

I just can't think about it right now. I know by being with us, he has a chance to live his life.

So i'm going to do my best to give him the best life.

I want to get him wheels. :)

I love you Kai Kai

Costumes

so, one of our seamstress botched 3 groups of costumes. 

3!!!! one of the groups is a small group of 7 girls. 

now the choreographer like a costume I made two years ago, but since I was in a car accident in July she wrote me off as to not ask me if make them. how could I when life was very very hard to get through. 

turns out, I am making them anyways. but this time around, I don't like it. i don't like the fabric, I can't find the right color and I want to honor the choreographers vision.

this is very important to me. since I am a choreographer myself. These things matter. 

BUT - we are on stage in two weeks. TWO!!!!

1 - I ran out of fabric so there is not enough for the skirts. I had bought it all. And i'm not super excited about it. 

2- I ran out of the other fabric for the under skirt. Which I'm not to happy about anyways. 

AND IT WASN'T THE ORIGINAL IDEA OF THE CHOREOGRAPHER. 

so right now, i'm screwed. do you know how hard it is to find matching fabric that you can dance in and is magenta. 

do you know how many magenta fabrics there are out there, and the fact that no two are alike. and its not like you can just grab two and think that they will match. Because one is two red one is two purple to pink. it goes on. 

I even ordered swatches from NYC, and I can't find anything to match here in portland. SERIOUSLY???

well - I'm not a professional so maybe i'm looking in all the wrong spots. I gorilla sew, so i don't use patterns and i'm ok with that. 

but now my awesome idea I did years ago, I hate it! I hate it. and i don't want to do it. but if I don't complete this task 7 girls will go with out costumes. 

so off to the fabric store again today. to see what I can do.  maybe they got more in, maybe i can change the idea once again. But really I have two jobs, and don't get home until 9-10 pm every night. 
WHEN am I going to accomplish this. 

Well as you may know. I am a procrastinator. and I do my best work when under way to much pressure. but really? this makes me feel like the universe is against me. When really its the Buddha telling me to keep going. keep pushing through this obstacle. 

So i will keep you posted. but this just sucks. 

Moxen Harber

We recently got a Bengal, this will be my 2nd I've had. I love him. 

One- never had a boy cat. The rumors are true. They are more loving then females. I had no clue. Bengals are more wild, so they normally don't like to cuddle don't want to be pet at all. But my little Mox, loves to cuddle at 6 am everyday, he loves to come over and nap on you. He love his big brother Kai, and wants to cuddle him too. I love him. 

2-there really isn't a two. I just never though I would own a boy cat. But again he is so sweet and so mouthy like me. Hee hee 

Last night we had a vet apt, we think he has a UTI, so got antibiotics. And was told we have to man Handel him a bit. He doesn't like to be held down. Of course not... So we did this this morning and oh boy. He made noises I have t heard from him. Giving him Meds is not fun at all. 

Last night was his fist time at pet smart. He loved seeing the birdies. And he did walk for us. So cute. Glad there wasn't a ton of other animals there. 

Normal?

I love this!!!! 

Tired

Is it me or do we choose to be work alcoholics? 

I mean...... let me rephrase that. 

I love to work. I love to teach and I love my day job. I just don't like doing both 6 days a week pushing me at 65 hours a week and 1 day off.      SUNDAY. 

By the time that good ole Sunday comes, I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING. I get annoyed with chores, and having to grocery shop, and clean house. But It has to get done, and my partner does it all week long. I can only really help out big time, on Sundays. When really All I want to do is sit on the couch and be lazy and relax my brain. And I do that. 

BUT

then I get upset. I have a growing list of projects that I want to get accomplished, one of them being a NYC trip Anetra and I took almost two years ago. I new years resolution last year was to start scrap booking out life and to keep up with it. Well how am I supposed to do that when I honestly don't have time to do so. I don't get to see her as much as I really want too. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. 

GOOD - because I miss her all the time and cherish the time that we actually get to spend together. plus i feel like we don't ever get sick of each other. But honestly would we get sick of each other? I don't think so at all. We are both very busy people and are constantly on the go. we like our life like that. But I need two days of a weekend not one.

BAD - because I only get to really see her when I get home at night. and that usually is a quick hi how was your day, and then I shower, try to relax my brain and then we go to bed. AND I miss out on what our fuzzy four legged kids do during the day. :( 

SO... this is going to change. It has too, I have been saying it for 5 years now and I will make it happen this year at some point. I just don't know how it will happen, and that scares me. But i have faith in my practice and I know what will be will be. 

One Little Word 2015

COURAGE. 

My word this year is courage. I am still following with Ali Edwards class. I have saved all the prompts from the pervious years and I do the ones I really like oever and over again. 

This year another student....had us all sign up with out words and address to recieve a pen pal. 

Pen pal...back before you had emails and internet, and you had so much to say in a written letter. I love getting mail. i love it so much. i have always loved this. 

Emails, and texts are so impersonible. But social media is how people respond to everhthing. For instanvce, I have one parent who likes to email me, facebook me and text me all the same question to make sure I get the message. Which I can understand. Even though something is sent via text. we get the message most of the time, and most of the time not. So you never really know if texting really works. So I applaud the effort yet then I get pissy about it. lol I can never win with my emotions sometimes. 

I can get off subject. Back to my word. COURAGE. 

My life has always been busy. ALWAYS. I've always had two jobs, I've always worked days and then danced/ taught at night. I never have time to do things I really want to do. 

Having two jobs right now, office managing and teaching at night. I really don't even have time to try and relax when I get home to fall a sleep before midnight and then up at 6:30..shhhh I get up at 7.

SO....why courage. 

fear. why not fearless...because I am fearless in so many aspects of my life. I need the courage to back up the fearless choices I make. I'm affriad to quit one of my jobs. I'm affriad to quit teaching because there isn't alot of dance opps here for people my age. I'm old for a dancer. lol. I'm affriad to quit my day job. I dont make enough money teaching, and that job doesn't have a 401 or health insurance. 

Choices I have to make. but i really need to courage to take the first step. I need that courage to make a choice and stick with it, knowing if might not be the right choice but that I actually took a first step which I'm so scared of doing so. Me and my partner, are going to buy a house in the near future. so do I keep my crazy schedule because that will mean I will have an even bigger bill and responsibility to have. 

the thing is I make the same at both jobs. so cutting one out, will cut what i make a year in HALF!!!! HALF!!!!!  so, really no more fun things. I had one job to pay the bills and the other job to play with and to really save for the future. so do I really want to cut that. NO of course I don't want too. 

but can I keep going 65 hours a week 6 days a week?  I just started scrap booking a trip from almost two years ago...I cry in my car because I can't art journal because Sundays are chore and catch up on dance stuff days or I just end up sitting on the couch knowing I dont' have to do anything at all. 

I know I have made a choice of propbably not going to teach on saturdays anymore. It's to much for me, but solos will happen even sat for the first three months of school. uggg....I sometimes ask my self why did dance choose me? 

I didn't choose it, it choose me, I can't live without it. but sometimes I just want to quit and live not so stressful and just work a regular job.  Sucks i think that way. but i'm tired. 

so....COURAGE to make a choice and to have courage to stick with it.

It's feels like a new life

Life likes to throw many different balls all at once at you expecting you to catch all of them, juggle them, and maybe even throw them back at what ever was throwing them at you in the first place.

I met someone. I met a women who I thought didn't exist. I met someone who is kind and caring and doesn't judge me for the little things that I feel like I fail at. I am messy. I spill, I run into things, I don't always put my clothes away at night. Yet she doesn't say anything about it. now I don't know if that's only because we have been together for only 6 months. but the way we fit is amazing. I still get tingles in my stomach when I look at her. I still feel like i'm the luckiest person alive to be just sitting next to her. I love looking at her, memorizing all her features, her life lines in her beautiful face. looking into her eyes, and watching her face start to smile when she notices me just staring at her. How creepy right. well no, I love looking at her, observing her. taking her into me. really learning about her.

I really never thought I would be with another person. I know we all say this, but really what I have been through. I never really thought I would be able to open myself up again. And I do find at time, I am closed, not wanted to fully expose myself, because I've always been cheated on. I've always been changed, and left heart broken.

this time, I told myself I wont change who I am and I will be able to find someone to love me for me. My loud crazy self. I love whole heartedly and do everything in my will power to give and give and give and give. that is just who I am, and how I am in a relationship. yes that can be a flaw . but a flaw people fall in love with.



6 months later- I am re reading what I wrote. and I still feel the same way about her. I still find myself staring at her, watching for a smile. I love that, the beginning of a smile.

I moved in- we live together. we play house. hee hee

we got a dog -Named Malakai Doogan- we call him Kai. He is 3/4 blind and we love him. I love him. Never thought I would really love a dog. But I do. I think of him often and just love him. He is just starting to howl. He is one year old, just like our relationship.

Today, we get a Bengal cat. I miss Reno and she will always be my first. I think of her daily actually. but we always have to move forward. If we don't move forward, we get stuck and never really keep learning and striving for better selfs.

Our kitty's name is Moxen Harbor we will call him Mox....

YES- the way I know that a name is good and will stay is practicing yelling their full name when they are in trouble. and yes I did do this many times. got laughed out, well to think of it, it is kind of funny. But - Moxen Harbor you get down off the countertops right now mister.  LOL . it just fits. It really does.

I will post pics in a few days. we get him tonight and I'm sure I wont be able to take my hands off him.