Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Sadness

I can't help but feel a deep sadness for what is going on in our country.

I don't understand why we don't have stricter guns laws. I know everyone has the right to bare arms, I'm ok with that. But what I'm not ok with is the fact how easy it is to get a gun, and how everyone is using them for anything.

Just yesterday on my street, a guy had a ton of gun, held his wife and daughter hostage because HIS FRIEND WOULDN'T TEXT HIM BACK!!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!

What is going on?

Mental health is a big issue, bulling in school. How we treat people. The entitlement of what we with is owed to us.

Believe I get mad when I see people breaking the law and get rewarded for it. I follow the law, and when I break it I get caught. It's my karma, I've come to terms with it. Do not use me as the get away car if you are robbing a bank, I will get pulled over for something.

So...I think a lot and most people are like me, and see others get away with so much, that they are fed up and say fuck it. IF that person can do this...then I can. And now we have a ton of angry people in the world. I'm tired too. I have two jobs. I'm tired every day, I'm battling a concussion still. I'm trying to make time to do things for myself. But honestly that only happens maybe once a week. I have three fur babies. My partner and I are thinking about having a kid. Why would I want to bring a kid into this world that is so corrupt? I know be the change. Raise the kid as apart of the change.

But right now I see nothing but bad things and its getting worse. I actually feel scared.

I'm sad. I'm so sad and I don't ever remember being this sad before. I hurt for so many people. and I'm angry at our government. I'm angry at people poisoning others for money and greed.

What happened to wanting to be happy? I want to be happy but I don't want to kill my self to be happy. And I feel like that.

I went to college, I have a degree, I am a hard worker, and I work my ass off. I'm tired. So why is it, I can't make enough money to survive or go on vacations.

I go pay check to pay check. and I get home at 10 pm every night. I wouldn't be able to have a child. My schedule and jobs wouldn't really allow it.

I just don't understand. I know there is NEED FOR CHANGE. but how do you implement that without causing more chaos. And really, there isn't. you ask for change and people will rebel, but then they will see.... oh this is better and safer.


Saturday, June 11, 2016

Head

Lets talk about how it's going to be two years since the accident July 11th and I'm still getting headaches. 

This process has been then worst thing- or not the worst- but it's been mind altering. I have changed as a person, it had changed my creativity. It has changed the fact that I can't dance anymore and my dreams are slowing slipping away from me. 

Now my mom would totally change that part about me, but I've had a headache now for a week straight and I'm literally ready to jump off a cliff. I can't take the pain anymore. What more am I supposed to do? I sleep as much as I can. I have two jobs! When I get home I can't even watch tv or listen to music because my brain has had enough. 

AND..... Lights in a dark room triggers the headaches. I'm a god damn performer for peaks sake! How am I supposed to be in a theatre during tech or even watching shows when it triggers migraines. To the point I don't understand what I'm seeing. I'm at a point where I'm ready to quit dance. I'm serious, how can I get better and perform when I can't get the headache to go away. I don't want to give up. But I can't take extra classes for me when I work two jobs, and have the headache. What am I supposed to do? 

So that is an update. I feel like I'm going backwards. I did great for 3 months. Then during comp in Seattle, I almost threw up from the lights flashing. I knew I was done, but still needed to be there for my students. And honestly I'm so done with this injury I just want to push through it. But how can I? 

So again that's where I am. Trying to get better for me, and trying to heal. Because who can take off two years off to heal as an adult? No body can.... Unless you are the 1 % or married to someone who makes millions. It sucks. But I'm trying my best everyday!